My ecology professor is putting somewhere between 11-14 fill in the blank questions on our final that could be about any word, process, equation, theory, etc. that we have learned in the past 8 weeks and I am sorry but the fact that it could be ANY of those words is giving me so much anxiety that I can’t study. It feels like such a waste of time because there is no way I’m going to be able to remember all of them, so what’s the point of even trying to remember some of them?
Sometimes it seems like professors try to come up with the most anxiety-triggering ways to give exams, or maybe my anxiety is easily triggered by exams, but I really do feel that this is unnecessary. I am fed up with the way that getting good grades is supposed to be rewarding when there is no actual reward that comes from it except stress and maybe getting on the dean’s list, but honestly I know people who have worse grades than I do and will still be more successful in society’s eyes, but all I want to do is have enough money to move out of this country and adopt a french bulldog because I know I’ll be happy, and that’s what I view as being successful, but my family views success as moving up the corporate ladder and that is the last thing I want to do with my life, so instead I get the best grades I can because I know they’ll be proud of that.
I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle and like I don’t actually know myself very well these days because I have been labeled as a student for 15 years now, and I feel like there is nothing else to me or my life. My future seems like a blank void and that simultaneously makes me excited and apathetic and terrified. I just wish that I could figure something out.
Go outside. Sit under a tree and read until the fireflies come out. Follow the fireflies and wonder if they’ll eventually lead you home. Think about going for a run but bake cookies instead. Drink beer on a beach, pick up any litter you find. Accept the fact that mosquitoes will bite you, but getting to marvel at the stars is worth the itch. Don’t ask “what’s the point?” because you will never find the answer, but accept that and move on and pick some flowers instead.